First Views of the light

Well, it happened today. The first of a series of strokes that is going to stay till i leave. It was weird, though not unexpected. The problem was that those genious doctors never did succeed in explaining to me the real feeling, as if the world stopped all of a sudden and you start revolving round and round,, round and round, till you fall down and all that stops, and you are left with an unconcious self and a supersensitive brain,, bloody headache! Well the rest will come, but now i know what to expect, don't I. Should i donate my body to the Medicine Department? My eyes are already set to ditribute light, what about other parts. Is this the desire to keep atleast a bit of myself alive or is it sacrifice? I think it's sense. Just.....................

Hope

HOPE. The Magical word that stands at the end ofg one's trial, one's suffering. The word that keeps me going on in life. What would the world be without hope?

I still remember the place where hope originated,,,, ironically, from Pandora's box!

It's a fairy tale worth telling. The silly little girl Pandora unwittingly opened a box of worries and trials into a world at perfect peace. Seeing her action's result she shut the box before the last inhabitant could come out. Then she heard the voice form the box, not the Scratchy and icky voice of a demon but the sweet chord of an angel telling her to let her out inorder to bring some hope back to the world. Obviously the angel didn't know that a perfect world was ignorant of hope coz they didn't need it. Pandora sensed some good in the being (maybe the demons blew some sense into her head) and let "HOPE" out too. So maybe hope is latched with problems, and a person free of problems is also devoid of hope. But who am i to ponder these issues? I havn't even wondered about myself, about who I really am, now pondering about the darkest corners of psycology. Bloody hell! Fear does change a man.

Feeling Powerless

The difficulty that is me. How do i face life every morning? Will i face life tomorrow. Or will my cold arms be prised apart by family and friends to a more appropriate position despite the hardness from rigor mortis? These are the questions that haunt me. Waht if tomorrow never comes? This is when the all powerful fate overpowers me, prevents me from surging ahead, with the sarcastic wit that I'm famous for. Sarcasm is the shield behind which i hid my feelings from others. But even that fails when i try convincing myself that i will live to talk abut today, as yesterday. Powerless, every man feels this way once, but to live it, to have it poison every cell in my body, its maddening.

Walking Barefoot

As i thread this fenced lawn barefoot, i feel the world as i've never felt felt before. I feel the wind flow not by me, but through me. I feel the sun's rays wash me and purify my soul. In the light of death, i have started to live. I had 19 years to do so, but never did i take the time or patience to just be me, just take time for myself. Friends, relatives, work and fun................ never a moment alone. never wanted solitude. Mistakes too etched to erase. My heart bled for the time lost. Perhaps more than the time i was not destined to have. At that moment i wished death to envelope me in its cloak, remove this hate and despair and put me to rest. To seize my heart and hold it in tose cold hands for one final time. But alas this was not my time to go. This was not my time to leave for that journey, not yet. I watched the setting sun with admiration, and remembered that even the energy that lights up the whole world has just a days lifespan.
For the first time, i kneeled before natue, before the seting sun, and suddenly felt a touch of devine. All those time i knelt in the church, bowed before kali at my temple and bowed respectfully to the mosque, i had never felt this touch. But now here i felt god. I felt closer to him now in light of my end. My end............ seems too curious an expression.

Last days

My days are numbered. I know this and accept it. But the realisation that i will never get to see this beautiful sky, the softness of the water and sweet smell of lilies is maddening. I so want it to end right now. To be sucked into that hollow space quick and fast as if there is no tomorrow, so fast that i don't even know it happened. Yet fate had a different plan for me. Merciless slow passing. No pain no sickness, yet with days that are numbered. Death becomes the mere act of journeying on, yet that journey frightens me.